Why Did I Dream of You?

I usually get up late during the week ends. Thanks to my body clock! I always have to be up while everyone else is sleeping and when it’s dusk I am doozing off.

That’s my routine. I must admit it is getting a bit boring so sometimes I have to go out with my colleagues or with my kid if time and budget permits *wink.

Anyway, I was surprised that after roughly a year, I woke up a bit puzzled. Why? Because I dreamed of this guy…

Most of the things I wrote in this blog was because of him. I felt the grandest love with him and I must say I fell for him… head over heels…

But that was a year ago. After the pain of not ending up together, the family arguments, the cultural differences and everything, I had made up my mind that it was never worth it after all. There were days that I would still ask my self “ What if I disobeyed my parents and chose to be with him?”.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people have given up everything for L-O-V-E. And these people may have regrets for following their hearts but I know there are some who are as delighted as they can be for doing so. Whatever their case may be, it must have been very tough for them to follow what they feel.

So going back, I saw him once again… in my dreams. This time we were not as a couple. The reason of him being in my dreams was not vivid. All I can remember was, he was there. He was with us in this place that we rented. But he had a separate room. We stole a moment and embraced. He cried. We both cried. I guess he missed me. When I said I loved him he said “NO!” and continued crying.

I remember asking him if he was still staying in that place until he left the country. I wanted to stay and just like the first time, be with him all the time. I couldn’t let go of the thought that I had to leave him there… alone.

When I woke up, again, I was surprised. Then I realized, it has been a year now. When we hurt each other… when I felt the most painful goodbye over SMS. When I felt that I was underestimated by the same person who had lifted me to the highest heights. The same person who said he would FIX ME.

I fought for him. I was ready to live my life with him, despite the objections from my family. But I was insulted. I never thought that the courage that I had during that time to be with him, would mean that I was using him as an escape from my mother’s wings.

His family was also against us. I guess their culture had really created a big GAP between us. I cant blame them. This guy lived his life by the book and I didn’t.

Dreaming of him last night brought all those pains and hurtful memories back again. It didn’t hurt me the way it did before but I could remember the heartache it brought me. It somehow reminded me how much I have believed in his words and his promises-that he didn’t intend to keep. He may not know how much he had caused me but I know he chose not to be with me because he knew he cant be happy with me… and with my past…