I really dont know if I should be happy to hear this comment from a not so close friend of mine. Surely the "kind" is a positive impression... but being trapped into something bad is like being cursed.
Am I really cursed? Is my life really destined to be difficult?
The only thing I could say to be wracked is my lovelife. Aside from that, I can say that I'm still blessed. Despite the fact that I've literally forgotten that I have responsibilities as a Christian. I've backslided more than 4 years ago. I could still remember how I devoted my life and surrendered my life to Him. I was on fire. I even had my own cell group. But everything disappeared in just a flick of a finger. I fell into temptation one time, and there it went. I wasnt able to recover my self. The guilt feeling was overwhelming that I wasnt able to pick my self from what I did.
I dont wanna say that I would never go back... I guess Im not ready yet to turn 180 degrees away from worldliness. I just want to assure my self that by the time that I surrender my life again, there's no more turning back.
Anyway, I am still loved. I'm glad that everyone from my world get in touch with me as soon as they heard what happened to me. Aside from that, Ive got the chance to talk to some people I havent talked to for quite a long time. There was this special man whom I had ignored when I fell inlove with someone before. Funny thing was, while I was busy trying to get someone else's attention, he was there... just there. Loving me in silence. It was only recently that I learned about his real intention and his great love for me. I was kinda surprised that he was able to supress it for 16 looong years!!! It was late to apologize though but I felt his pain. There was a little twinch in my heart. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that I've let go of the person that might have loved me wholeheartedly. "Nakakahinayang!!" I feel sorry for what I did. I was young and insensitive then. Hope he'd know how sorry I am right now for everything.
I deserve a break. Im planning to go to Galera this weekend. A time for me to take a moment in my life and RESET. There must be a lot of things I have been taking for granted and there must be a lesson learned from all these. I have to learn. I have to be wiser. I'm really looking forward to this. I hope this would help me to deliberate on how I want my life to be and what I want to have. Not just grab whatever comes along even though its not a good catch. Argh! That is not a good term.
I hope its not late yet. I hope Im not totally broken inside out. I hope I could still regain my trust and my ability to love. I know its not too late to move on and prove what Im worth. It is difficult but I dont want to sensationalize it. Surely, I want to make a difference this time...
No comments:
Post a Comment