Dear Life

Things may be a bit apparent to you nowadays. You have seen how things have changed. How I have managed to keep my sanity while attending to my responsibilities at home and at work. How I tried to escape from the thoughts and the feeling. I know you would agree with me that I am quite good. I am playing my part quite well. But there are things which aint cant be seen but still surfaces.

It may have been only a coincidence how things have turned from bad to worse. Not only at home but also at work. You have seen how I have changed in terms of my performance at work. I really didn't notice it because I still go to work regularly even if it means dragging my feet. Not knowing that somehow people at work notice how I suppress the feeling. Words of comfort and concern pass by me but I deny the need for them.

At home, I got screwed up. Mom knows how I have greatly deceived her during the time that I was still with him. Sister got me covered. She said my mom was upset. But I had to ask, why is she gonna be mad at me when I was the one hurting now? That I was the one left behind?

I used to love Tuesdays and Wednesdays and even weekends. But now, I hate them. During days when I have to work half of the day only, I would ask friends to come with me instead. I dont want to go home. I dont want to push my self to bed. Because I know that would be the loneliest part of the day. Silent time. The time that is supposed to be for me. But no... This time only brings back memories. Cant stop my self from contemplating. Cant stop my self from asking my unending "what if's".

Even to this point, it would be hypocrite of me not to admit that I still want him back. Though friends have already told me to stop thinking about it. They said it's not meant to be thats why it has to end. But why? Am I really intended to be in the loosing end? Wouldn't really there be a chance that I would find someone who would not use me, deceive me and play tricks with my feelings? Have I really trusted him a lot? Was it bad that I have given him all the love that I know I can give?

Another question pops in my mind... Has he really planned for this? Just to make me ride with him and his stories of love? That there is no love after all? That there is no forever?

Could it be that he just used me?

Life... He is my last stop. I dont know if I would be able to open my heart again. So I'm keeping my self for my self. Had enough. I continue to fight but he didnt. I havent given up but he did. I dont think I can take another blow of heartache so this is it. I am never gonna fall inlove again...

Reminiscing G-W Idol Days

"I Want to Spend My Lifetime Loving You"
from the movie "Zorro"
Originally sung by Marc Anthony and Tina Arena.

This video was taken during the GW Idol days. Just got this video recently from my previous TSL. We were required to have duets with any leaders in the company. Good thing my boss is also good in singing so I didn't have a hard time looking for a partner. Mind you, both of us lack sleep this day and he was a little sick that day but look at how he had performed. Don't mind me, I know I suck! aheheh!!

Better That We Break

I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby


"If you can't accept me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best"

Cursed with Pain

It has already been a week since we called it off. A week full of tears, full of bitterness, full of anger, full of hope and I may say full of stupidity. It was tough, not hard. It was painful like I've never experienced before. Knowing that what I have believed as my life, has left.... for good.

I know people would not understand what I'm going through because they have lived their lives with someone who has understood them all most of the time. They have been accepted for all the flaws that they have. They have been loved greatly by their significant others. It is easy for them to say that I should move on. That I will find someone better. That I dont deserve him in the first place.

But how could you say that?

Do you know how I have gambled my feelings for this relationship to work? Do you know how I have managed to change for the better just to be someone he could be proud of? Do you know how what he did just to make me happy? Do you know how happy I am with him, even in thoughts? Do you know that no one has made me this happy in my entire life?

If your answers to these questions are NO, then you don't really understand what I'm going through.

I have kept all the pain inside me till today. I chose not to dwell on my feelings. I chose not to show that I'm hurting greatly inside. I tried not to reveal how weak I am when it comes to this. I have deceived all of you. Pretending that I am strong, pretending that I am ok, pretending that I am moving on. But you know what... I am not.....

Thats why all these days, you see my looking at my cellphone most of the time. I am waiting for a message from him. Hoping that he might be thinking of me. I look at my phone to reminisce the good times that we've had. I browse through the pictures and the messages that he has sent me. Doesnt it feel good to go back to those days when everything seems to be perfect?

All these days, you've seen me looking at afar. Thinking deeply. Trying to deliberate on what should have been. What I should have done. Trying to think what good it may have been to still have him in my life. How his thoughts and his words has inspired me a lot to be better. How we have managed to make each other feel good. That despite the distance, our love will keep us together.

Call me stupid. But I still love him. I dont know how and what makes me feel this way for him. All I know is that he is different. He is special. Even if he has left I feel that my heart still belongs to him. I cant look to any other guys, because in my thoughts and in my heart I know I have already found the man for me. I have greatly loved him and I cant think of any other guys to make me feel the way that he did. He has set a standard in my life. And I think that standard cannot be surpassed by anyone.

It pains me... very very very much. I cant think of any day without a tear in my face. I cant think of any day that I have not wished that things would change, that we will be back together. I cant think of any day that I have not wished that I can go to his country and surprise him. Just to prove how much I love him. I cant think of any day that I have not thought how I miss his kisses and his embraces. I swear to god, I cant let go. All this time, its still his face, his touch, his words, his promises that I yearn for.

Why does it have to end this way? Where is his promise of forever? He said you have no second thoughts, but why did we end up apart? Are all those lies? Are all those just flattery? Didnt you really mean a word you said?

God please take away the pain.... Or am I really cursed to be in pain?

I woke up to a sound of a faint cry.

Half awake I looked around and found nobody.

That's when I realized that I was the one crying.

I am missing a part of me.

I am missing him....