Dear Life

Things may be a bit apparent to you nowadays. You have seen how things have changed. How I have managed to keep my sanity while attending to my responsibilities at home and at work. How I tried to escape from the thoughts and the feeling. I know you would agree with me that I am quite good. I am playing my part quite well. But there are things which aint cant be seen but still surfaces.

It may have been only a coincidence how things have turned from bad to worse. Not only at home but also at work. You have seen how I have changed in terms of my performance at work. I really didn't notice it because I still go to work regularly even if it means dragging my feet. Not knowing that somehow people at work notice how I suppress the feeling. Words of comfort and concern pass by me but I deny the need for them.

At home, I got screwed up. Mom knows how I have greatly deceived her during the time that I was still with him. Sister got me covered. She said my mom was upset. But I had to ask, why is she gonna be mad at me when I was the one hurting now? That I was the one left behind?

I used to love Tuesdays and Wednesdays and even weekends. But now, I hate them. During days when I have to work half of the day only, I would ask friends to come with me instead. I dont want to go home. I dont want to push my self to bed. Because I know that would be the loneliest part of the day. Silent time. The time that is supposed to be for me. But no... This time only brings back memories. Cant stop my self from contemplating. Cant stop my self from asking my unending "what if's".

Even to this point, it would be hypocrite of me not to admit that I still want him back. Though friends have already told me to stop thinking about it. They said it's not meant to be thats why it has to end. But why? Am I really intended to be in the loosing end? Wouldn't really there be a chance that I would find someone who would not use me, deceive me and play tricks with my feelings? Have I really trusted him a lot? Was it bad that I have given him all the love that I know I can give?

Another question pops in my mind... Has he really planned for this? Just to make me ride with him and his stories of love? That there is no love after all? That there is no forever?

Could it be that he just used me?

Life... He is my last stop. I dont know if I would be able to open my heart again. So I'm keeping my self for my self. Had enough. I continue to fight but he didnt. I havent given up but he did. I dont think I can take another blow of heartache so this is it. I am never gonna fall inlove again...