On Raising a Child... Alone

11 years ago, I had an unwanted pregnancy. I was in my second year in college and was very active in our club and with my studies. I was part of the student council during college and I was a member of the Maharlika Dance Troupe (PUP's Cultural Dance Group). So to speak, I was very famous but not really hot, aheheh.

Anyway, then it happened...

I had to stop from studying for a year. I didn't want to go to school with my big belly. I didn't want people talking how I got pregnant when they didn’t really see me and my boyfriend together most of the time. Yes, our relationship was not really something neither I or the people around me had expected.

They said being pregnant is not a choice. It is not an option whether to keep the baby or not. It is a responsibility. Whether you are ready for it or not, you have to take it.
I was bounded to humiliation. I also got scared. Everything was uncertain. I didn’t know how I would be able to finish my studies once I give birth. I didn’t know how to tell my mom. I didn’t know how I would be providing for my baby’s needs.
And I was not ready to be a mom…

But like what true friends would always say, God will never give me something I cannot bear. I took all the courage and faced my pregnancy.
I took a part time job until I gave birth. I had to work as a part time instructor in a Technical School. If I remember it correctly, they paid me Php25.00 per hour. Not enough for my regular check up and my vitamins and not enough for me to save for my hospital bills once I deliver my kid. But I survived. Thanks to the Government Health Center. Thanks to the midwife who witnessed my labor pains and stitched my wound.

After some months, I went back to school. Everything was different. I had to go to a class where everyone was a stranger. I had to stop being a member of the dance group. I also had to decline the proposal to run the student council . I didn’t have time in my hands. I had a different priority already.
To make things worse for me, my boyfriend (at that time) and I had a rift. It was another cross for me to bear. Another shot of humiliation. After fighting for us and for my feelings, I had to give up. He married another woman whom he had also impregnated. I can’t describe how excruciating the pain was. All I remember was, I was at his house on his wedding day and I cried in his arms before he left to see his wife-to-be.

I struggled… emotionally and psychologically. I lost my self esteem. I believed that people had thought less of me. My paranoia killed my relationships and I jumped from one relationship to another. I even thought of taking my life just to end the pain and the hardship.

Despite these, I had to be a mom. This was what had moved me to continue life. My life is not my own the moment I delivered him to this world. It was not his fault that my life had to be difficult. So life must go on…

My life as a mom was really challenging. It took me a while to accept that I am a single mom. There were times that I could not tell my friends or suitors that I had a kid. There were days as well when I would choose to go out with friends instead of baby-sitting. Aside from this, I could not provide a lot of the things that he needed as a kid. My presence was an issue since I worked at night so we spent less time together. I was not financially stable that I could not afford to send him to a good school or even pay for a private tutor. I could not squander for a grand celebration of his birthday every year. I could not buy all the toys that he wished for and so many other things…
But all throughout these years, there are two things I’m happy about me being a mom… That I am gifted with the most supportive and understanding Mom and sister, and that I am gifted with the sweetest and loveable son.
I will never forget how, during my trying times, I was surrounded by prayers and encouraging words from my mom; how my sister shared her stories in life and taught me how to be a better me. My kid on the other hand didn’t push for his wants. He would understand if I would tell him that we couldn’t buy the toy he wanted because I could not afford it. He would not also ask for money all the time, may it be for his school allowance or for ‘meryenda’. He would just be contented with the sandwich and chocolate drink that I would store in his lunch box.

At his age, you would think he may have grown insensitive and a bit cold. But he is not. In fact, he is now concerned on how our future would be once he finishes college and be ready to get married. I remember during one of our conversations, he cried while asking me “What if I can’t take care of you when you’re old because I don’t have a good job? What if I can’t visit you when you’re in the hospital?” Sweet? I would say that is LOVE.

Whenever I would go back to the time that I learned that I was pregnant, I would always remember how I have thought twice on keeping my baby. But looking at how he has grown up and how I have molded him to be a good boy makes me realize how glad am I that I didn't listen to the evil voice. I am grateful that I took responsibility and didn't falter in spite of.

Time may have already changed some of the things right now. But one thing remains, he is the reason why I am here and he will always be my little baby.


Me and the only man in my life