whew!!! good grief...

just got back after 3 days of staying in the hospital. my mom was confined, when she had 2 hours of heart

palpitate

last monday. it was a good thing though we were able to go to the hospital immediately, otherwise it could lead to stroke or anything that may result to blood clotting in her heart.she's fine now....:)

panic mode, is that the right term for what ive been reacting the previous days? after the last conversation we had, any girl in her right mind might just think its really over. however my guy just thought im in panic mode (?) . thats fine, as long as i know where to put my self now....but i must say thank you when he left me some messages while i was in the hospital, he gave me a bit of bright light... :)

what now?

been going with out with friends lately. i guess this is my way of recovering, or my only outlet to release the pain im goin thru right now. in a way, it helps me to divert my attention and drives me not to think of him. cuz whenever im alone thats when the loneliness strikes.my exbf has mentioned that i stop dwelling over something that isnt really worth it. he has bluntly told me not to get into anything right now. now he makes sense! never thought he would still be concerned with me, i guess. anyway, i hate to say this, but at my age, i regret that i still have not learned to discern which is right and wrong, which is true and sincere, and if its worth the time and the feelings. i will be okay... ( i hope)

sad part is, i miss him... terribly! i miss the way he makes me feel good... i miss his promises and sweet nothings... i miss the feeling of having someone special in my life and the thought that someone is just out there... giving me extra care...it has been a year now since my last relationship. And here goes Christmas again... will have to wear a mask and pretend to be merry, when inside all i want is to feel the warmth of the season from a special someone. Am i just being sentimental jerk or exaggerating or something....


anyway,
for almost 3 months, i have not seen this group of friends i have. I am just sad that there has been some issues that has been going on that has lead to some misunderstandings in one way or the other. all im concerned about is the friendship, im afraid that what we have started before might end up nowhere. i just hope this guys would be able to patch things up.

sober

at 11:30 am, im still up after my shift from 9pm-6am. why not? i deserve some time to relieve this pain im goin thru right now....
been emotional for the past few days. had to take sleeping pills just to be able to get decent sleep. my brain has been bugging me to much that even on my sleep i have to scream! damn this heart of mine!! damn this emotion!! as in damn it!!!
i'll get over you... i'll be over this feeling for you... i will no longer be expecting anything from you... will never believe you... i will nver believe that there will be an US...
ohhh.. its raining... the weather just felt what m feeling right now.... geez... why did i let my self believe in you? why did i let my heart fall for you? i hate love.... i hate being inlove.... DAMN!!!!

it CLICKed!

After quite a while it was only today that i finally had a time to watch DVD at home. And i never regret that i spent 2 hours this morning to watch this film, which served as an eye opener for me.

Know the common cliche, "Live life to its fullest", "Savour every moment", "Spend each day as if its the last" - all these apply to this movie. Its actually a wake up call for us to manage our time wisely and do whatever we have to do to make our loved ones feel loved and special.

It actually made me cry... Knowing me, im a tearjerker myself. The scene when Michael (Adam Sandler),learned that his dad passed away and he tried to go back to that last time that his dad tried to spend his time with him and he was just that pathetic not to respond to his dad's love, it really sent a pang of pain in my heart. And there is another one, when he was about to die... he felt guilty for all those times that he wasnt there for his family, that he didnt know his family at all because he was so preoccupied... plus the remote who somewhat "malfunctioned".

this is to give u the morale of the movie, hope u would share the same feeling i had after i watched the movie..

.........B E R months

Yah right, the year will almost be over. Sarap!!! I could smell Christmas and New Year!!! ahihihi.... That means, great food, good gifts and friendly people. Egsaaaaytiiiing!!!

And here we go again, I will be spending Christmas alone and cold.... No one special to celebrate with aside from my family. No one to make this season memorable. No one to kiss under the mistletoe... But its still early to tell. Who knows? hehe!!!

The other day, my exboyfriend called me up. After the hi's and how do you do's, he told me that he would be getting married this coming December to the girl who was actually the reason why we broke up. Well that gives me another reason to hate the ....BER months.