Went out just yesterday with Joy and Alyne. Kinda figured out I had to let go of the pain I'm goin thru right now. These are just some of the friends who understand what I'm goin through right now and the hell that I'm in right now. Thanks for the true friendship. Cheers!!

Christmas countdown....

im really getting excited... why not? here's to good season, good food and good people... not to mention gifts and merry-making!!!

i have already blocked my schedule for this coming week end ( Dec 9 and Dec 10 ) to attend a group party in Marikina and Alabang respectively. And also will be out of town come 17 and 18 with my online friends whom i have shared a year already goin out and making fun with our singleness. Yup, we are a group of singles and we never treated this friendship as a nesting place for relationship. nice one huh...

im no longer excited for the gifts... and im no longer expecting one... last year i guess i ended up having 5, and i guess this year would be less... and so what? for as long as im happy and contented...

what makes this season special? honestly, none...its just one of those regular holidays that i need to celebrate because everyone is celebrating it. and of course i have to teach the little kids at home what this season is for, what we usually do at this time of the year. i know there is greater meaning for this.. but im an apostate though not entirely...confusing? yah.. im confused myself...anyway, hope everyone will get what they want in life... and i also hope to get mine as well... whatever it is, i'd better keep it to myself... and i guess im not really sure what to ask for...

missing him...

in the corner of my mind i know he is still with me, beside me, whispering words warm enough to melt my heart. his face flashing right before my very eyes. my heart pounding at the very sound of his name.
my thoughts are just all about him. my plans include him, asking God to make him mine. groping at every chance there is to see him and feel him. breathing just for him and his existence.
with the messages he sends me, my heart is filled with joy, keeps me on my feet. trying to digest every word, comprehending the thought beneath those words. wondering if he knows how he means to me.
and every time i go to sleep, his thoughts and sweet promises keep on echoing at the back of my mind. bringing smile in to my face after i say my evening prayer. wishing that by the time i wake up its you i would see.
still i wish there's something i could do to change how things are right now. hoping we are both free to love and we both feel something special for each other. but damn... im just a friend...and i guess im the only one who misses him...:(

When love leaves

Love will always have its inherent myteries.it is a mystery why we fall in love--when it comes, how it happens, why some relationships grow and others dont. many try to decode this mystery, to find reason and cause, but in the process take the life out of the experience of loving.

when love comes to us,we try to hold on as firmly as we can, blind to the reality that just as life is a gift in its time, so is love. when the time comes that we fall out of love, or when leaving them, we desperately try to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accept the gift for what it is.

at this junction of your life, you may be searching for answers where there are none. you may be wondering if there is something wrong with you, or if changing your partner or yourself will make a difference and help love blossom again. you may blame yourself, each other or the circumstances in an attmept to give meaning to what has happened. but maybe there is really no meaning beyond love itself.

at times in the process of takin care of ourselves, we may need to change some parameters in a particular relationship. at other times just as it is in your situation, it becomes inevitable to end it. this, in fact, holds true for all kinds of relatinships, whether romantic or otherwise.

ending or changing a relationship is not easy. but often, is necessary.

we may at times linger in relationships that have long been dead out of fear of being alone, and to suspend the inevitable grieving process that accomaonies endings. we may linger long to prepare ourselves to get strong and ready enough to handle impending change.

accepting that a relationship has ended is difficult. it calls for courage and faith that we will receive the power and the ability to do wat we need to do. at the same time, it requires a willingness to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to be alone for a while.

the lesson is simple yet rich. love has its own time, its own season and its own reasons for coming and going. if and when it chooses to leave,. either form your heart or from the heart of your lover, be thankful that it came, even if just for a moment. and if we keep our hearts and souls open, it will surely and definitely come again and finds its way home.

Thanksgiving '06

Great!!! yah today U.S. will be celebrating thanksgiving and that means... long avail!!!! ahihih!!! oh what a joy!!! this is the simple truth for guys working in a call center. the only day we always look forward to!

I remember last year, when i was still working in makati the company that i was with had this one-day training on soft skills and a bit about the product. this year, the company that i am with right now STILL wants us to be on queue. argh!!!!

the pain of working in a call center is that we dont get holidays off, though we get double pay. but sometimes its more than the money... sometimes we want to enjoy the long weekend that Gloria implements... and hello to the Milenyo typhoon!!! there was no power for almost 4 days in our location, but hell our office had so we had to go to work despite the incovenience of not having water for shower and not having enough sleep. du-du-duh!!!

have to bring a lot of food at work tonight...pig out!!!!

jilted me....

i never meant to be so cold. specially to you. you're so nice. you're all heart, sweetie. you're something special.
and you are not just another notch on my belt.

please don't think i'm such a passionless person. i do feel what you're saying. and it's breaking my heart to hear you say that.

i care about you. and i'm not lifeless not realizing that you taking me home and introducing to your friends is not a big deal. i know it is. and i feel your sorrow. of course. i'm human too.

before we parted, i saw sorrow in your eyes. i guess you were thinking ahead.

maybe if i can get my affairs in order, you can give me a chance. if it's not too late.

i really like your attitude a lot. you are a lovely girl. and don't let anyone tell you or make you feel different. it's just me. so much has been taken from me and now i'm inanimate.

i'm not everything everybody thought i could be.

a letter i have received from someone special in my life now, a person i thought could be real... as i went thru the contents i felt a tear streaking down my cheeks. somehow i felt im special and that im appreciated. but thats just it... nothing more, nothing less....

My Man

it has been my fervent desire
to wake up each morning
and see your face beside me,
assuring me of your love and
your endless faith.

to close my eyes in the middle of the night
with your lips close to mine
that will seal the promise
of this new found love.

to walk the along the shore
with your hands with mine,
comforting my heart's desire
that you are mine forever.

to hear your voice every now and then
and give me the courage to go on with life,
telling me that im all that u desire
and the one who will complete u.

to feel the warth of your embrace
when the night starts to get cold
reassuring me that im finally home
with the one ive waited for... my man.

All Soul's Day '06

After some time, it was only this year that we had the time to gather ourselves and visit our departed loved ones. Before, we would end up visiting our friends'departed loved ones since we cannot find time to go to Manila where our departed are laid.

This year, it was really fun and memorable. We have some close friends and relatives with us to share this holiday while we reminisce the times we had with our dear loved ones.

I only got 2 hours of sleep this day, but i find it all worth is spending quality time with them...:)

wait for the man who will lead us lovingly :)

Wait for the guy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of guy who brings out the best in you and makes
you want to be a better person, wait for the guy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at anytime of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the guy who makes you smile like no other & when he
smiles you know he needs you, wait for the guy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats & have no makeup on.

it has always beeb a great feeling to beloved by someone... to feel that special attention... and treating you like you are the most precious woman in the earth...

been always ready to love and hoping that this time it will be for real ....

this is the song that has captured my heart recently....

"Chasing Cars"
by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world



chasing cars

just recently, went overnight swimming friends in pansol, laguna. got the chance to be with long-time friends. how i miss those days when we would be together after work and have 2-3 hours of sleep and go to work again.. ahihhi!!! thats addict mode!!!

goodluck to our lovelife guys!!!

whew!!! good grief...

just got back after 3 days of staying in the hospital. my mom was confined, when she had 2 hours of heart

palpitate

last monday. it was a good thing though we were able to go to the hospital immediately, otherwise it could lead to stroke or anything that may result to blood clotting in her heart.she's fine now....:)

panic mode, is that the right term for what ive been reacting the previous days? after the last conversation we had, any girl in her right mind might just think its really over. however my guy just thought im in panic mode (?) . thats fine, as long as i know where to put my self now....but i must say thank you when he left me some messages while i was in the hospital, he gave me a bit of bright light... :)

what now?

been going with out with friends lately. i guess this is my way of recovering, or my only outlet to release the pain im goin thru right now. in a way, it helps me to divert my attention and drives me not to think of him. cuz whenever im alone thats when the loneliness strikes.my exbf has mentioned that i stop dwelling over something that isnt really worth it. he has bluntly told me not to get into anything right now. now he makes sense! never thought he would still be concerned with me, i guess. anyway, i hate to say this, but at my age, i regret that i still have not learned to discern which is right and wrong, which is true and sincere, and if its worth the time and the feelings. i will be okay... ( i hope)

sad part is, i miss him... terribly! i miss the way he makes me feel good... i miss his promises and sweet nothings... i miss the feeling of having someone special in my life and the thought that someone is just out there... giving me extra care...it has been a year now since my last relationship. And here goes Christmas again... will have to wear a mask and pretend to be merry, when inside all i want is to feel the warmth of the season from a special someone. Am i just being sentimental jerk or exaggerating or something....


anyway,
for almost 3 months, i have not seen this group of friends i have. I am just sad that there has been some issues that has been going on that has lead to some misunderstandings in one way or the other. all im concerned about is the friendship, im afraid that what we have started before might end up nowhere. i just hope this guys would be able to patch things up.

sober

at 11:30 am, im still up after my shift from 9pm-6am. why not? i deserve some time to relieve this pain im goin thru right now....
been emotional for the past few days. had to take sleeping pills just to be able to get decent sleep. my brain has been bugging me to much that even on my sleep i have to scream! damn this heart of mine!! damn this emotion!! as in damn it!!!
i'll get over you... i'll be over this feeling for you... i will no longer be expecting anything from you... will never believe you... i will nver believe that there will be an US...
ohhh.. its raining... the weather just felt what m feeling right now.... geez... why did i let my self believe in you? why did i let my heart fall for you? i hate love.... i hate being inlove.... DAMN!!!!

it CLICKed!

After quite a while it was only today that i finally had a time to watch DVD at home. And i never regret that i spent 2 hours this morning to watch this film, which served as an eye opener for me.

Know the common cliche, "Live life to its fullest", "Savour every moment", "Spend each day as if its the last" - all these apply to this movie. Its actually a wake up call for us to manage our time wisely and do whatever we have to do to make our loved ones feel loved and special.

It actually made me cry... Knowing me, im a tearjerker myself. The scene when Michael (Adam Sandler),learned that his dad passed away and he tried to go back to that last time that his dad tried to spend his time with him and he was just that pathetic not to respond to his dad's love, it really sent a pang of pain in my heart. And there is another one, when he was about to die... he felt guilty for all those times that he wasnt there for his family, that he didnt know his family at all because he was so preoccupied... plus the remote who somewhat "malfunctioned".

this is to give u the morale of the movie, hope u would share the same feeling i had after i watched the movie..

.........B E R months

Yah right, the year will almost be over. Sarap!!! I could smell Christmas and New Year!!! ahihihi.... That means, great food, good gifts and friendly people. Egsaaaaytiiiing!!!

And here we go again, I will be spending Christmas alone and cold.... No one special to celebrate with aside from my family. No one to make this season memorable. No one to kiss under the mistletoe... But its still early to tell. Who knows? hehe!!!

The other day, my exboyfriend called me up. After the hi's and how do you do's, he told me that he would be getting married this coming December to the girl who was actually the reason why we broke up. Well that gives me another reason to hate the ....BER months.

T O R N

hmmm....had a very good sleep today, well i guess. a decent sleep for me is getting 5-6 straight of sleep hehehe. anyway, yes im torn. why? hmmm.... i dont know if im actually exaggerating e. the only thing i know as of this moment is that i cant think appropriately. a guy is out there, saying he likes me.... but then we havent met personally and i dont know if there would be a spark once we see each other.another thing is he doesnt know about the skeleton in my closet. i guess im still afraid to face the reality that he might turn his back on me :'(
and there's this another guy, who has been consisted enough to talk to me everyday until late at night and who knows everything about me... the sad thing is that i dont like him as much as the other guy. so do u think im still exaggerating?

My birthday wish

Birthday comes only once in a year and every time that it arrives we are always thinking how we could actually make that day extra special. Sometimes gifts can bring out joy and also express thoughtfulness. However, sometimes these are not enough to make the day.
At my age, gifts are not enough to make me feel contented. I am more on the intangible aspect of life, which is very rare for us to keep nowadays. I guess all matured people do understand that we are no longer concerned with what we see but we focus on what we feel. I believe is what I want this time.
I have continously searched for that someone who will make my life more meaningful, and who would love me and accept me wholeheartedly. I dont know if I have found him already, but I do fervently hope that the guy I am dealing with right now, would actually be that someone I have longed for all my life. It may be a little early for me to say this, but I guess Im all ready to take the risk of being inlove... and this is what i ask more than anything else on this day... that i may be able to live my life with him, forever....

Confessions, Pt. 3

i just checked on some blogs here and this caught my attention.... i guess it will do me no harm if i share this anyway...
Confessions, Pt. 3

Here I am Again

I know i have gone through a lot of heartaches in my life. Some of those, i must admit may have been avoided if only i have listened to what my conscience told me. For whatever pain I went through then, I have prepared my self for that and I know that I deserve it. Sometimes, I know that I'm already falling for the wrong person, but damn this heart of mine.... I still pursued even though I know its wrong....

Now here I am again, about to commit the same mistake again... Worse, he is a total stranger; a guy i havent met personally. This may be a surprise for some of you of havent felt that magic for a stranger...

I may not know where this would lead to, but Im hoping at least to be with him and feel his love... I know he's too much for me but I know he would fulfill a woman's longing to be with her man....

misery and more...

ever since i learned that he has this someone special, i must admit i was lost... and after that letter i sent him... i heard nothing from him. though i still tried to send him some quotes thru text. i guess, thats it...
this is really all my fault...if i just kept my feelings to my self, perhaps i could still spend some time with him... and be happy... guess thats really over...

Exactly a year ago...

.... this was the day i got to meet the man who had made me fall inlove that deep.It was the same day that i realized that 2 people may be able to like each other at first contact. well i should say,this was just for me bcuz he never like me anyway... just plain attraction...

he was the first guy whom i have shared the skeleton in my closet, and the first guy that i could say was the first guy i thought i would be sharing most of the years of my life... he was nice... i mean, he is nice. And i envy the girl who made him fall. Somehow i wish that i would have someone like him....

lets bring the past back....

whattaday!!! just had 4 hours of sleep,know why? i had to meet up with a special someone.... tsk,tsk,tsk....
anyway, i have met this special someone last september of 2001 (believe!). we were chatters in a chatroom before (broken hearted chatroom) and we got to meet on a birthday party of a chatter as well... after that day, we had been constant textmates, and gradually he admitted that he liked me... and who am i to refuse this guy? he's smart, good-looking and oozing with talent. a no ordinary guy i should say...i felt good during those times, cuz i have also learned to like him. he left a smile in my face whenever the day ends. and i should say that he has a spot in my heart.
however,let me tell you one thing that made things complicated... he has a girlfriend;3 years at that time.so at that point, we cannot do anything since he loves his girlfriend more... i never tried to change his mind...and i never asked him to leave her or whatever. i just took everything as it is. to make it simple, he has his girlfriend and i was just the special friend, i guess.

time has passed and look its already 2006! how are we doing? well, we still get a chance to be together once in a while. there was even a time when i was in a relationship, we still go out and had a time on our own, but of course nothing fancy... But then he had another girlfriend (who happen to be a friend of mine)i tried to stay out of the picture... of course, i felt envious and jealous... i never had the chance to go out with him at that time cuz i think he was damn busy with his new found relationship. i was envious, why we didnt end up together instead? why he had to look for another one when i am just here?! i was sad... very very sad.... but again i didnt do anything and i didnt try to change him. their relationship didnt last long... so again... i got "in" to his life again or should i say he noticed me after a while... honestly,i was glad that the relationship had ended, though i know in his heart that he truly loves the gurl. but fate had its own ship to sail....

now, i dunno if i should be asking the same question again.... now that he is single and I am single, why cant we just continue what we had before? we still get to see each other, so that means WE still like each other right? so whats missing? i like this guy very much, and given the chance i would like to have him OFFICIALLY in my life,but i dont want to confront him neither ask him whats the status nor his feelings for me cuz im afraid i'd get the worst reply. i dont know what to do.....

Kiss- Because Im a Girl

i have already seen this video a million times but it still has that tearjerking impact on me.... i really LOOOOOOve this!!

Today

had a hell of drinking last night with my colleagues, and surprisingly it turned to be a reunion since there were new faces who also work in the company...what makes it more interesting is that my crush arrived.. the Operations Manager! geek, too bad he didnt notice me though i was singing when they arrived. hmph!!

my friends were geek as hell!!! they were tearing my skirt off yesterday!!! almost embarrassed me...

though i should say i did one embarrassing thing... i was dared to kiss this cute guy!! AND I DID!!!! and it was not just a kiss, it was french!! tooo bad i cant remember how it felt ahihihi!!!


gosh!! i think that would be the last time i would be drinking, i got real bad headache this morning...

my zodiaC

I am a Leo.
(Also known as "Lion")
My Horroscope starts like this:
" From the early age, Leos are inclined towards drunkennes and extortion. When it comes to anything else, they show a remarkable degree of laziness. As a child, a Leo will typically demand a lot of money from parents, then from friends and even casual aquaintances. " (Read more | Find yours)

now what?

my life has been a bore for so long now, and i cant think of things that would actually add spice in my life right now..... =(

what am i thinking at this very moment?


i do miss a lot of people....
but there are people whom i dont understand why they still want to see me after what they have done to me. the nerve!

and there's these people who would act like they care but they actually dont!

damn!!!