Im depressed....

I have a depression I do have to admit,
Admit that I have been depressed.
Thinking how much I wish I could be
happy,
Thinking how much I want in life,
Thinking how much you can miss someone
you love.

When I look back I can see how much
this depression has been there in my
life.
I need this to be fake.
I need this not to be true.
Yet again its true I have this
depression that makes me sad inside and
the outside.

My depression has caused me to see how
sad I can be.
How it makes me feel,
How this depression makes me think of
cutting and suicide.
But we are all human.
We have all have something to overcome.
I will overcome this depression once
and for all.
I will fight back somehow.
This depression I will get rid of
someday...
For now I have to deal with it.

Mother's Day '07

Just had a little dinner at one of the restos in Alabang. This was just one of those memorable dine outs I had with my family since we dont get together that often. My sister was at home this time after being away for more than 2 years.

I love my mom, I may not be able to tell it to her personally or even let her feel it but I do. She is the only one who had struggled for us to survive. My dad had to leave us when I was 8 yrs old and my sis was 9. Imagine the hardship. She had to work most of the time and we had to understand why she cant attend to us. It is true indeed that mothers would endure a lot of sacrifices and pain just to give what would make her family happy and contented.

Now that I am a mom myself, a single mom that is, I also would like to do the best I can to provide whatever my kid needs. It may not be enough but I surely let my son understand the why's and how's of life. My son may not have the grasp of it right now but I know at the right time he would. He has to.

Im still keeping my fingers crossed that someday I would be able to complete the missing piece of my family. I hope he is there....

What a Relief!!!

The show cause that was given to me last month, ended up with just a written warning!!! whew!!! It was really a relief!!!

I was supposed to be suspended for 10 days. I have even asked my supervisor to give me straight 10 days for the suspension since I would like to take it as a break and a way to deliberate on things. I was prepared for it already... I have made plans actually, heheheh!!! Hey, who doesnt want to have a vacation??? :)

Well, Im still thankful God had helped me get thru with it.

grrrrr....

Just received a "show-cause" today, right after shift. It was for call avoidance. When I read through the content of the letter, no specific detail would imply that I did commit any of the offenses for this. It was only about dealing with the customer for 17 minutes and putting the customer in improper hold, which doesnt necessarily mean that I tried to avoid the call or something.

I was stunned.

I dont really know if this is part of politics or something. But I know something is not right. My previous supervisor had to deal with the letter. He understands the gravity of the offense being subject to me when in fact there isnt any issue at all. I mean, there is but he doesnt see where I had really committed the offense. He offered to take charge of the reply. And yes, he mentioned every detail why I shouldnt be sanctioned.

Its not the end of it though. I have to wait til monday. My present TL and I would need to discuss this. I know Im not to be sanctioned for termination, but I know there is someone with greater power who has a say to this issue and that is what im afraid of.

I can leave the company, why not? What is hurtin me is thought that I would be leaving the people I have lived with. These are great people and I love them.
Its not easy. It wont be easy.

But still, im keeping my fingers crossed. Hoping that I may be able to get through with this.

Is there a real love waiting for me?

I know that im not the only one who experiences this type of melancholy... and whenever it strikes there's nothing i can due but to endure the pain and the sudden sadness that fills my heart.

My thoughts are being bugged by relevant things in MY world. I surely get by. Im ok. Im happy. But bein happy doesnt necessarily mean that you are content, right?

It may not be appropriate for me to ask more than what i have now. But it would be hypocrite of me to let go of this wantness to be with him.

I have loved a few and let go of some... this I know... however i have to look for the missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle. How and where, I dont know yet...

Keep on waiting... waiting... and waiting... but what if there's really nothing and no one to wait for?

Summer Shindig '07

from L to R : Anj, Ja, Danie, moi and Ej




after the "Amazing Convergys Race"



... and the winner is.... us!!!


... and the winner is.....




mah team...

It was our company's summer outing. held at Spash Oasis Resort on April 8, 2007.

My first DSAT for this year

After bearing the tag "CSAT Champion of the Team" for some months now, I just received the bad news last Friday about the DSAT (dissatisfied) I surprisingly got from a call not long ago.

I could still remember the call... It was from a racist customer who would want me to connect his call to an agent from the US. But of course, I enthusiastically replied that I could assist him with his concern. He even commented, "lets give it a try!!", with a sarcastic tone.

It was just a simple reinstatement of his services, nothing more nothing less. He never asked for any other details on his account neither any promotions on goin. I did my job and we ended the call. AS simple as that...

It is a big pain for me and my career. All the while my boss is encouraging me to apply for better positions at the office, which I guess, I should have prioritized at that time. With this at hand, it would take a few months for me to be able to grab the title again and work on my achievements....

CSRL '97... 10 years onwards...

Yup, 10 years has passed already and yet we still have the same longing for this friendship. We might have our own priotities now and own lives to manage. But still we try to catch up and make this thing last our lifetime. Its funny though that here we are, busy with our own shit but these guys have not forgotten to go back where they really belong. We had matured though... some of us dont really cry over a piece of cake that someone takes from us... but we do if its our guy who's being taken from us...At least we've grown up a bit... hehehe!!!

These are just some of the shots we had. April 6-8, 2007 Bato Springs, San Pablo, Laguna.

CSRL>

in the corner of my mind i know he is still with me, beside me, whispering words warm enough to melt my heart. his face flashing right before my very eyes. my heart pounding at the very sound of his name.

my thoughts are just all about him. my plans include him, asking God to make him mine. groping at every chance there is to see him and feel him. breathing just for him and his existence.

with the messages he sends me, my heart is filled with joy, keeps me on my feet. trying to digest every word, comprehending the thought beneath those words. wondering if he knows how he means to me.

and every time i go to sleep, his thoughts and sweet promises keep on echoing at the back of my mind. bringing smile in to my face after i say my evening prayer. wishing that by the time i wake up its you i would see.

still i wish there's something i could do to change how things are right now. hoping we are both free to love and we both feel something special for each other. but damn... im just a friend...and i guess im the only one who misses him... :(

Chasing Butterflies

Have you ever tried chasing after butterflies? It's tough...if not virtually impossible.Won't do anyone good to chase after something so elusive much less have a relationship with one. That reality has been constantly being rammed into my thick skull for the longest time. But alas there is something so very mesmerizing about butterflies so very intriguing yet so deadly.It may be a magical experience but only for a limited time because butterflies tend to fly away without hesitation to their next destination. Hanging on to them is futile because you are just a stop over after all. The hurtful part of the experience is that you get left behind without a warning. One day you're up in the clouds the next day you're down on the ground and you never knew it coming.I heard someone say that when you're heart takes a big blow and it gets torn into a million pieces, your heart grows back bigger than it was the first time. Maybe that's why I could feel no anger just a quiet acceptance and deeper understanding. Sure the tears are there but my feet is still firmly on the ground this time and i have a stronger resolve not to chase after butterflies...i keep my palm open this time. So go on and fly...you're free to fly...my butterfly.I firmly believe that I am worth coming home to and build a home with...since you choose to fly away...then i guess you're not the one for me. Somewhere, someone, sometime i'll be found and i'll find the one for me. And that would be the happiest day of my life...no more chasing after butterflies.

Went out just yesterday with Joy and Alyne. Kinda figured out I had to let go of the pain I'm goin thru right now. These are just some of the friends who understand what I'm goin through right now and the hell that I'm in right now. Thanks for the true friendship. Cheers!!

Christmas countdown....

im really getting excited... why not? here's to good season, good food and good people... not to mention gifts and merry-making!!!

i have already blocked my schedule for this coming week end ( Dec 9 and Dec 10 ) to attend a group party in Marikina and Alabang respectively. And also will be out of town come 17 and 18 with my online friends whom i have shared a year already goin out and making fun with our singleness. Yup, we are a group of singles and we never treated this friendship as a nesting place for relationship. nice one huh...

im no longer excited for the gifts... and im no longer expecting one... last year i guess i ended up having 5, and i guess this year would be less... and so what? for as long as im happy and contented...

what makes this season special? honestly, none...its just one of those regular holidays that i need to celebrate because everyone is celebrating it. and of course i have to teach the little kids at home what this season is for, what we usually do at this time of the year. i know there is greater meaning for this.. but im an apostate though not entirely...confusing? yah.. im confused myself...anyway, hope everyone will get what they want in life... and i also hope to get mine as well... whatever it is, i'd better keep it to myself... and i guess im not really sure what to ask for...

missing him...

in the corner of my mind i know he is still with me, beside me, whispering words warm enough to melt my heart. his face flashing right before my very eyes. my heart pounding at the very sound of his name.
my thoughts are just all about him. my plans include him, asking God to make him mine. groping at every chance there is to see him and feel him. breathing just for him and his existence.
with the messages he sends me, my heart is filled with joy, keeps me on my feet. trying to digest every word, comprehending the thought beneath those words. wondering if he knows how he means to me.
and every time i go to sleep, his thoughts and sweet promises keep on echoing at the back of my mind. bringing smile in to my face after i say my evening prayer. wishing that by the time i wake up its you i would see.
still i wish there's something i could do to change how things are right now. hoping we are both free to love and we both feel something special for each other. but damn... im just a friend...and i guess im the only one who misses him...:(

When love leaves

Love will always have its inherent myteries.it is a mystery why we fall in love--when it comes, how it happens, why some relationships grow and others dont. many try to decode this mystery, to find reason and cause, but in the process take the life out of the experience of loving.

when love comes to us,we try to hold on as firmly as we can, blind to the reality that just as life is a gift in its time, so is love. when the time comes that we fall out of love, or when leaving them, we desperately try to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accept the gift for what it is.

at this junction of your life, you may be searching for answers where there are none. you may be wondering if there is something wrong with you, or if changing your partner or yourself will make a difference and help love blossom again. you may blame yourself, each other or the circumstances in an attmept to give meaning to what has happened. but maybe there is really no meaning beyond love itself.

at times in the process of takin care of ourselves, we may need to change some parameters in a particular relationship. at other times just as it is in your situation, it becomes inevitable to end it. this, in fact, holds true for all kinds of relatinships, whether romantic or otherwise.

ending or changing a relationship is not easy. but often, is necessary.

we may at times linger in relationships that have long been dead out of fear of being alone, and to suspend the inevitable grieving process that accomaonies endings. we may linger long to prepare ourselves to get strong and ready enough to handle impending change.

accepting that a relationship has ended is difficult. it calls for courage and faith that we will receive the power and the ability to do wat we need to do. at the same time, it requires a willingness to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to be alone for a while.

the lesson is simple yet rich. love has its own time, its own season and its own reasons for coming and going. if and when it chooses to leave,. either form your heart or from the heart of your lover, be thankful that it came, even if just for a moment. and if we keep our hearts and souls open, it will surely and definitely come again and finds its way home.

Thanksgiving '06

Great!!! yah today U.S. will be celebrating thanksgiving and that means... long avail!!!! ahihih!!! oh what a joy!!! this is the simple truth for guys working in a call center. the only day we always look forward to!

I remember last year, when i was still working in makati the company that i was with had this one-day training on soft skills and a bit about the product. this year, the company that i am with right now STILL wants us to be on queue. argh!!!!

the pain of working in a call center is that we dont get holidays off, though we get double pay. but sometimes its more than the money... sometimes we want to enjoy the long weekend that Gloria implements... and hello to the Milenyo typhoon!!! there was no power for almost 4 days in our location, but hell our office had so we had to go to work despite the incovenience of not having water for shower and not having enough sleep. du-du-duh!!!

have to bring a lot of food at work tonight...pig out!!!!

jilted me....

i never meant to be so cold. specially to you. you're so nice. you're all heart, sweetie. you're something special.
and you are not just another notch on my belt.

please don't think i'm such a passionless person. i do feel what you're saying. and it's breaking my heart to hear you say that.

i care about you. and i'm not lifeless not realizing that you taking me home and introducing to your friends is not a big deal. i know it is. and i feel your sorrow. of course. i'm human too.

before we parted, i saw sorrow in your eyes. i guess you were thinking ahead.

maybe if i can get my affairs in order, you can give me a chance. if it's not too late.

i really like your attitude a lot. you are a lovely girl. and don't let anyone tell you or make you feel different. it's just me. so much has been taken from me and now i'm inanimate.

i'm not everything everybody thought i could be.

a letter i have received from someone special in my life now, a person i thought could be real... as i went thru the contents i felt a tear streaking down my cheeks. somehow i felt im special and that im appreciated. but thats just it... nothing more, nothing less....

My Man

it has been my fervent desire
to wake up each morning
and see your face beside me,
assuring me of your love and
your endless faith.

to close my eyes in the middle of the night
with your lips close to mine
that will seal the promise
of this new found love.

to walk the along the shore
with your hands with mine,
comforting my heart's desire
that you are mine forever.

to hear your voice every now and then
and give me the courage to go on with life,
telling me that im all that u desire
and the one who will complete u.

to feel the warth of your embrace
when the night starts to get cold
reassuring me that im finally home
with the one ive waited for... my man.

All Soul's Day '06

After some time, it was only this year that we had the time to gather ourselves and visit our departed loved ones. Before, we would end up visiting our friends'departed loved ones since we cannot find time to go to Manila where our departed are laid.

This year, it was really fun and memorable. We have some close friends and relatives with us to share this holiday while we reminisce the times we had with our dear loved ones.

I only got 2 hours of sleep this day, but i find it all worth is spending quality time with them...:)

wait for the man who will lead us lovingly :)

Wait for the guy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of guy who brings out the best in you and makes
you want to be a better person, wait for the guy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at anytime of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the guy who makes you smile like no other & when he
smiles you know he needs you, wait for the guy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats & have no makeup on.

it has always beeb a great feeling to beloved by someone... to feel that special attention... and treating you like you are the most precious woman in the earth...

been always ready to love and hoping that this time it will be for real ....

this is the song that has captured my heart recently....

"Chasing Cars"
by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world



chasing cars